Thursday, April 05, 2007

Once upon a time they were falling in love...U.S. Senators spend a day in Baghdad

"They paralyzed the market when they came...This was only for the media. This will not change anything."-- Mr. Faiyad, a merchant in the Baghdad market, where Sens. John McCain, Lindsay Graham and Mike Pence held their photo-op on Sunday.

Ah yes. The photo-op in Shorja market. You know how it goes: you get all decked out in your Sunday best (kevlar), invite 100+ of your best friends (soldiers in armored Humvees) and arrange for attack helicopters to circle over you whilst you have a quick 'boo.' Try not to think too hard about all of the doin's that are a-transpirin' in the meantime. Dead schoolgirls in Kirkuk, you say?! Why, that's enough to put you off your tea.

No. Sunday was all about progress. Yes, I said progress. What? You missed it? No worries: I took exquisite care to transcribe the Senators' press conference--all the progress that's fit to print!

MCCAIN: What's that? No, no...I'm pretty sure I did promise you a Rose Garden. Seriously, have you seen the gardens of Baghdad?
Where?
*Sigh*
Over there, behind the 10 ft blast walls. No. There!
Huh? Why do you call them "Bremer walls"?
Repeat that?
No, I'm not hard of hearing, it's just the helicopters, er--lawnmowers--are really loud today. They're so fastidious, these guys. Can't even take one day off, heh heh. *cough* Ok, ok, nevermind.
Hey! Check out Senator Graham over here: show'em what you bought, Lindsay!

GRAHAM: I got faaahhv rugs for faaahv bucks!
What's that? Sorry, it's those dang lawnmowers ag'in...
Oh. Why yes I needed the rugs. It's not like we have any textile plants left in South Carolina.
No, I needed rugs. Lord knows that we'll have more bodies to get rid of.

REPORTER: What bodies?! But you sounded so optimistic, before.

GRAHAM: No, no no! Not for Baghdad bodies. They're for back in D. C. I feel another "purge" comin and you know what they say: you can never have enough rugs handy, when it comes time to "clean house."

REPORTER: Senator Pence, were you serious when you compared the safety of this market with quote: "a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime"? Sixty-one people were killed here, in this very market, on February 12. Surely you would like to qualify your previous statement?

MCCAIN: Ok folks, that's enough questions for now...
uh...Lindsay?
Uh...Senator Graham, where did you get that karaoke machine?

REPORTER: Karaoke? Senator, you know they're rationing electricity in this district. The locals will be most displeased.
Sir! Sir, I beg you, please reconsider! Oh dear lord, he's serious...

{Graham loads up his favourite Bonnie Tyler tune (lyrics here) and turns on his mike. Senator Pence produces an electric guitar and takes his position behind Graham and McCain. The gunships still hover overhead but seem eerily quiet all of a sudden...}

GRAHAM {singing to Sen. McCain}:
Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit lonely and you're never coming around
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of something wild
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

{Sen. Pence kicks-in on guitar}

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart

1 Comments:

Anonymous skdadl said...

It's so true. My local Loblaws has a flat roof, which makes it such a handy place for my guys to park the gunship whenever I toddle off to the market. And just yesterday I got five grapes for five bucks!

Very funny, kitty. You have to wonder, though: what is going on in their heads? How universal does the snerking have to be before they drop the act?

4/05/2007 6:23 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home